Wed. Jul 15th, 2020

Let me tell you of a very sad truth. “The people we want to love us don’t actually care about us”. Okay, maybe you got people that care about you but as for me, I can’t really say that. Now, someone will tell me, “what of your family? Don’t they care about you”. Well, I grew up with my mother constantly telling me that if not for our blood ties, she would have nothing to do with me, she recently said she wishes I’m a miscarriage. As for my father, he barely even knows me. There are people I have in my life (that our time as friends is not even up to a year) yet they know me well more than my very own father. At  one particular point in my life, it was as if we are at hell with each other. My siblings practically have a team, a squad which I’m not included, respect is farfetched from them. At home, my parents constantly make me feel like  I’m the worst person living. If you hear about me from their mouth, you will think I’m nothing to writing home about. They feel I’m just bearing the first born title and leaving the first born responsibilities for my immediate younger sister. Most times, I feel the family is complete without me. Now look, I’m not writing this for your sympathy or to seek attention. I’m writing this because that’s what I know best. I try to express myself through writing, to keep my sanity, because honestly, there is a lot going on on the inside that no one knows.
I attended a number of primary and secondary school, and what all these schools have in common is how they all rejected me one way or the other. It’s like I never fit in, I’m not trying to say, I want to belong and fit in, it’s just that I’m never accepted anywhere I go. It’s more like I’m tolerated rather than celebrated. Sometimes, I feel my presence sickens people. Yeah, I try to see if there is anything, I’m doing, that’s actually causing this, but I’m out of ideas. I don’t consider myself a bad person, I have a good heart but I’m just very misunderstood, like always misunderstood. It’s like people only come around, when they need something from me, like no one is actually sticking up for me. I don’t always feel that vibe from my friends. I read the “oh, I’m just stuck with you vibe” from them. I try to improve, in any area I’m doing badly, but this treatment continual. They don’t always do for me, like I do for them.
Maybe it’s my path, to give but never receive, to love but never actually be loved back, to care and what to share, but never receive that back. Once, people get what they want from me, they leave. No one is actually sticking up for me. I get the “how are you doing” messages a lot, but I don’t see that coming from within. The only time, I feel the love, care and attention I want, is when I produce, give and sacrifice. I can’t stop doing that. I’ll write for you to read and be happy. I’ll think for you to produce and make money. I’ll go out of my way to put a smile on your face, even if you don’t care if I’m happy. I’ll give myself freely, after all, I’m not valuable in anybody’s eyes. My only consolation is my dreams, to live life and breathe free. Tears come to eyes, anytime I listen to Lorde’s Liability, because that song sums up the sad truth of my life. Thanks for reading, I wrote this when I was sad.

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